”True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.” -Winston Churchill
“If that’s true, the complete idiocy resides in the urge to create a dichotomy out of complex information.” -Evil Bastard
having just read a flood of blog posts by shallow, narcissistic people with no grasp on the way the world actually works, i put fingers to keys. i do this for you, because i (love|hate) you.
the man said: those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.
the past is important. it tells us who we are, because we can’t get to where we are without coming through where we were. what we’ve done historically, the mistakes we’ve made, and what (if anything) we’ve learned from them inform every action we take in the present. life’s lessons are etched in blood, bruises and scars on our very skin. to trivialize the value of the past is not just stupid, it is incredibly irresponsible.
“no shit, what’s your point?”
as it happens, most of the posts i scanned though weren’t just tripe dismissing the past, they were dismissing the view of the past through the eyes of current or potential significant others. they all boil down to screaming the following, presumably indignantly and in some kind of high-pitched wail:
“You don’t have a right to judge me based on my past!”
bullshit.
let me say that again: bullshit.
if someone either doesn’t want you to ask about their history or isn’t asking about yours then they don’t want to get to know you. good for a bang or a fling, but don’t give them the keys to your house, and don’t take anything they say as truth.
i can and will judge you. i will do it on your past and your present, because i get to decide what i do and do not want to be a part of my life and i have a vested interest in what aspects of your life are likely to affect my behavior. i’ve found that people who don’t like to be ‘judged’ have a lot of shame they don’t want to own up to, serious self-image problems, an unreasonable sense of entitlement, a wholesale abandonment of personal responsibility, or all of the above.
incidentally, i will expect you to do the same for me. if you don’t, you’re either stupid and i don’t want you, or you’re not interested and i don’t want you.
why?
a person’s past is the only way to figure out what they know, what they’re likely to do, how they think, feel, what their tastes are — in short, it’s the only way to get to know them in a way that you can believe. i add that last bit, because someone will likely tell you either something they want to believe about themselves or something they want you to believe about them before the actual truth.
most of the time this isn’t deliberate deception, it’s just human nature rearing its ugly head. we all do this to some degree, painting a slightly rosier picture of ourselves than is actually true, especially during a courtship phase. sometimes however, you discover things that are patently false, and this should cause you to reevaluate your view of who they are and ask a lot of difficult questions or — perhaps more prudently — look for the door.
a person’s past is also the only way to figure out who/where they want to avoid, what’s likely to ignite their ire in some way, what the best method is for getting along with them, how they like to be treated, what you should and shouldn’t do for their birthday, etcetera. all the grease that makes a relationship function.
an aside, if there are lingering issues around incidents in that ‘past’ they don’t want to talk about? that’s the PRESENT, not the past.
another aside, if a person’s ‘to avoid’ list includes all of their previous paramours, they should be on your ‘to avoid’ list. otherwise, you will be on it next. true story.
broadly: if someone tells you one thing but their history belies that, it’s lunacy to ignore this; not only will they (being human) revert to pattern and surprise you, but it also marks them as disingenuous. if they have a string of questionable decisions they don’t feel were questionable, then the likelihood is they’ll make them again. a person’s actions are defined by their behavioral patterns in context. breaking those chains should be a point of pride, and people tend to be happy to talk about it. if they can talk about what they learned (with humility), there’s a good chance the change will stick. if they don’t want to, they didn’t learn, and you can expect a cycle.
all of these cases are from the male perspective, naturally.
case 1: your potential paramour has dated a number of guys that were abusive. in all likelihood she is looking for another abusive guy, or are looking to become an abuser herself, or at least she looks at relationships in terms of emotional power structures. in the former case, she is going to play the victim at every opportunity and tend to be very defensive. in the second case, be prepared to be jerked around as she tries to establish her ‘upper hand’. in the last case, a partnership isn’t possible because they she can’t exist without a heirarchy.
case 2: she has dated a string of guys who were more than ten years older than her. three of the possibilities here: she is looking for acceptance from her father; she likes to think of herself as much more mature than she is; she is looking for financial security in exchange for sex. how you approach that relationship has to take these issues, misconceptions, and needs into account, as they will always be present.
case 3: her history is a string of long-term relationships, with the next beginning immediately after the previous ends. this speaks to a need for company, a love of relationships, and should make you question whether or not your girl likes *you*, or you are merely filling a role.
case 4: her history is filled with a number of tales of drunken sexual escapades. you might naturally have some concerns about her potential behavior when she drinks if you’re into monogamy. incidentally, make an appoint with your GP.
i could go on, but hopefully you get the idea. family relations, any sexual violence or abuse, extended unemployment — these kinds of things can tell you a lot about a person, how they’re likely to behave, what they’re likely to believe, what their approach to problems is going to be.
all of this information critical to know. if they’ve learned from these problems and have altered their behavior, you can move forward without (much) accommodation. if they’re defensive about them, prepare to bend over backwards to make things work. where do you figure all this out? their past. it gives you a set of expectations, signposts that can either tell you to bail, or help you navigate the landscape of your relationship and clearly mark the minefields.
“but i just want to start with a clean slate.”
there is no such thing as a clean slate. all slates are inherently FILTHY. be realistic, not naive.
bear this in mind: you have a past too. it is also filthy. exposing that to your partner (within reason — i don’t want to know what room you blew the last guy in) gives the same kind of signposts and blazing neon warning signs you’re looking for from them. your strengths and weaknesses will give your partner the tools to help you overcome your issues and support you when you’re likely to fail. it also gives them a large arsenal to use against you if they’re inclined to do so.
choose wisely; not what you tell them, but WHO THEY ARE. bet on the fact that they’re doing the same.
now shut the fuck up about ignoring the past. it’s something you overcome, not something you sweep under the rug. it is the source of our strength, experience, and self-knowledge. it makes us who we are, down to the least detail. if your partner is asking, they’re interested and thinking. if not, one or both of those things aren’t true. act accordingly.
